I'm Not Ok I Promise
by LoZa
Summary: Kirsten reflects back on Marissa's life, and realizes just how similar their teenage years actually were. Set after Season 3...lots of Kirsten angst. ONESHOT


A/N I've been thinking about writing a story like this ever since i heard they were planning on killing off Marissa. So this story deals with Kirsten's thoughts on her death, and she comes to realise just how similar their lives actually were.

Most of the stuff has already happened in the show, but anything in Kirsten's past has been made up by me.

Lyrics belong to a brilliant band called My Chemical Romance, and are from their song I'm not ok (i promise). Hope that you like it and that it's not to hard to picture! I apreciate any and all of your reviews. )

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**I'm Not Ok (I Promise)**

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Kirsten sighed as she looked around the quiet house. Seth just left to visit Summer, Sandy was out somewhere and Ryan hadn't left the pool house in days. At the moment she was having serious doubts about him. Mainly about whether he was even going to get through this at all. She bit her lip as she thought about Marissa. About her death. What had happened was just so heartbreaking, for everyone. She'd always thought there was a huge resemblance between Marissa's life and her own. Watching Marissa/s life had been like looking into a mirror. Her own teenage years had just been so similar. The parties, the relationships, the alcohol, the fights. It was so similar it was almost scary. When Marissa first met Ryan, Kirsten saw the sparks fly…everybody did. Even though Marissa was in a happy relationship with Luke, something about Ryan kept drawing her back in. Ryan had something that Luke didn't. Marissa felt something for Ryan that she just wasn't feeling for Luke. Just as Kirsten felt something for Sandy that she struggled to find with Jimmy. As much as she loved Jimmy, there was just something about Sandy that made her seriously doubt their relationship. All of Newport had said that her and Jimmy would get married; that they'd have the perfect family. That they'd have everything they ever wanted and be happy together forever. And yet somehow, with all that in front of her, Kirsten still managed to fall head-over-heels for Sandy while still being with Jimmy.

_Well if you wanted honesty, that's all you had to say.  
I never want to let you down or have you go, its better off this way._

She smiled briefly as she remembered meeting Sandy for the first time. She saw his eyes lit up the moment he laid his gaze on her. He followed her around the crowded party like a lost puppy all night. Just by showing such interest he immediately flattered Kirsten so much she could barely speak. And as much as she loved Jimmy, she couldn't help but wonder what her life would be like if she were with him instead. She still remembered how shy and timid she felt around him, not to mention the tingling feeling she got in the pit of her stomach. The first time he took her hand she could almost feel the sparks between them, and that was when she knew she was in love with him. Despite knowing this, before anything could happen between the two of them Kirsten knew she had to choose. And every time Sandy would push her about it, she would pick Jimmy. She picked him time and time again, and she had no idea why. It was probably to do with the fact the Jimmy was what she knew. She was comfortable with him. Kirsten had, and always would hate any type of change within her life.

_For all the dirty looks, the photographs your boyfriend took,  
Remember when you broke your foot from jumping out the second floor?  
_

Even though she knew she was having strong feelings for Sandy, she went on spring break with him and a few of his mates. Jimmy had tried to get her to come but she wasn't interested. When Sandy asked however, he wouldn't take no for an answer. He had the world's best persuasion skills. When she got there she felt like obliged to let Jimmy know she had changed her plans, but every time she went to call something was stopping her. Despite all of this, seeing Jimmy all over Julie in the packed club that night set her emotions rolling. She was so angry, so hurt, so pissed off. She didn't know how to handle what she saw. She just called him a jerk and ran, Sandy chasing after her. She worked herself up so much about it, that there was only one thing she could do…and that was drink herself stupid. She hated the way she handled things that night, but at the time it was all she could think of that would take the pain away. Just like Marissa had thought that night in TJ. She knew the night they got the phone call about Marissa, both Sandy and Jimmy were thinking of the night they found _her_, passed out in a bar after drinking virtually a whole bottle of vodka and taking a handful of sleeping tablets. She nearly killed herself that night, and she knew that to this very day that it still tore Sandy up inside, and she hated that she had that ability to do that to him.

_I'm not okay.  
I'm not okay.  
I'm not okay.  
You wear me out.  
_

For as long as Kirsten could remember, alcohol had always been a part of her life. Aside from her mother being a big drinker, she herself always felt the need to drink whenever she felt her emotions were starting to get the better of her. After her night at Spring Break, things only continued to get worse. She was drinking more than she ever had before, mainly by herself and in secret. Now, only after rehab did she realize what a serious problem that actually was, which made her shudder. To think that Marissa was practically going through the same issues as her and she did nothing in the way of helping her. She thought back to the night Marissa showed up to a party at the Cohen's house drunk, with her new boyfriend DJ and a really angry attitude. Sandy asked her after that night if she was alright, and she reluctantly lied to him that she was fine. Truth was, Marissa's performance reminded her of a similar one she had put on once. After she nearly killed herself, Kirsten definitely fell in with the wrong crowd at college. She was drinking obscene amounts, doing drugs, and partying with a whole lot of guys. Sandy had tried to pull her out of it, but he couldn't. She wouldn't listen to him and he was sick of fighting with her.

_What will it take to show you that it's not the life it seems?  
(I'm not okay)  
I told you time and time again you sing the words but don't know what they mean  
(I'm not okay)  
_

She thought of one of the many nights her father had made her go to one of his client functions. These parties always ended the same…her Dad showing her off to anybody who would listen and Kirsten ending up with every single young, hotshot business man trying to flirt with her. She hated it, and she had told her father this countless times, but he didn't care.

"Well if you're not going to marry Jimmy, we really have to find you someone as equally successful as he is going to be. Oh why couldn't you have made things work with him Kiki?"

"Wow I don't know Dad. Maybe because he cheated on me..."

"Well either way…"

Kirsten remembered this conversation like it was yesterday. She smiled sweetly at her father, told him she would be at his party, then went out and got smashed on tequila before hand. She could still see the look of disappointment and anger on his face so clearly. She had made him so furious that night.

"You don't give a shit about me or Hailey! I mean you don't even care about Mom!"

"Alright Kirsten that's enough."

"No…get off me! I hate you. I really hope you know that."

She sat at the beach for hours that night, drinking away her tears. Her father didn't even call to see where she was. She didn't know who to phone other than Sandy. She had no one else.

_So be a joke and look, another line without a hook  
I held you close as we both shook for the last time take a good hard look!  
_

When Kirsten was in rehab and was told about what had happened between Trey and Marissa, her heart broke for her. She had wanted to come home immediately, so she could be there for her, but she couldn't bring herself to do it. She didn't want to stuff things up again. She couldn't do that to her family. Now it was just yet another time she could have helped Marissa but didn't. Once she and Sandy had got their relationship back on track, her life became far less complicated. The college days they spent together were some of the best days of her life. She did however have one night in particular that she wished she could forget. She was waiting for Sandy to get back from his classes in his dorm with his room mate. He offered her a drink, which of course she took, and before she knew what was happening he had managed to back her into a corner. She felt her back hit the wall as he began kissing her roughly.

"What the hell!" she screamed.

"Oh come-on Kirsten. Lighten up. Sandy doesn't have to know."

She shoved him off her, but he grabbed her wrist and pushed her forcefully onto the bed. He climbed on top of her, undoing his pants as he did so.

"Come-on baby…"

She hated the fact that she could still remember exactly how he said that. She quickly scanned the room, laying her eyes on a bottle next to the bed. She stretched for it, shattering it loudly on the top of his head.

"You bitch!"

_Forget about the dirty looks,_

_You said you read me like a book, but the pages are all torn and frayed_

She had never told Sandy about what happened, but she was sure that he knew there was something upsetting her after that night. She wanted to tell him, yearned to tell someone, but she knew that if she did, Sandy would probably kill the guy. She was pretty sure that's why Marissa had put off telling Ryan for as long as she did. She knew he would fly off the handle, attack Trey, and something horrible would happen…just as it did.

_But you really need to listen to me  
Because I'm telling you the truth  
I mean this, I'm okay!  
(Trust Me)  
_

She heard the front door slam and Sandy sing out to her.

"Uh I'm in the kitchen." She said back.

"Hey honey." He said brightly, planting a kiss on her temple. "What are you doing?"

"Nothing. Just thinking."

He frowned, noticing his wife's vacant expression.

"Is everything alright?"

_I'm not okay  
I'm not okay  
_

"Yeah it's fine." She replied, flashing him a smile that lasted only a second.

"You were thinking about Marissa again?"

She nodded, a tear coming to her eye.

"Honey, there was nothing you could have done to help her." He said for what felt like the millionth time, wrapping his arms around her tightly.

"I couldn't have done so much for her Sandy. I virtually already lived through her life."

Sandy shuddered slightly as he knew what Kirsten meant. That night he found her in that bar…well he thought she was dead. He had never been so scared in all his life. Not to mention what happened that night in college with his room mate. Kirsten still thought he didn't know about that, but he did. He knew instantly something was wrong that night, and the way she was acting weeks and weeks after that pointed to it. He had calmly asked his room mate and he had told him. And although he apologized and tried to redeem himself as best he could, Sandy still managed to knock the shit out of his so called best friend.

"I know it feels like that…" he began.

"No it _is_ like that Sandy. I could have helped her and I didn't." she screamed pushing him off her, tears now flowing down her face.

_Well, I'm not okay  
I'm not o-fucking-kay_

"Oh I'm sorry." She said, putting a hand over her face. "Oh Sandy I'm sorry I don't mean to keep going off like this."

"Honey, its ok…Your upset."

He rubbed her shaking shoulders gently, holding her close to him again.

"You're going to get through this ok? We all are...you just wait and see."

_I'm not okay  
I'm not okay_

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Please let me know what you thought by reviewing! Thanks.


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